apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
