I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
