in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
