the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
