we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize