Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
