Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
