He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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