I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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