So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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