I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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