I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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