Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
