you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
