Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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