Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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