omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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