Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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