It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
