Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
