9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
