**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
