You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
