New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
