After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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