Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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