god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
