Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
