Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I understand Curling. That high.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
