The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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