I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
