dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
