Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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