I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
