you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize