everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
