That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize