you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
