I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
