My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
