If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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