They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
