she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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