ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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