Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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