I wish I only lived at night.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
