I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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