Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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