After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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