I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
