just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
