I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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