I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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