just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
