So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if only i could text you this smell
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
