no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
