the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
