I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
